Hour to Hour, Note to Note

Simon's favorite song is Waltz #2 by Elliott Smith. I'm posting a video from Youtube of it in case you haven't had a chance to listen to it yet. It's great.

Anyway, in one of Blue's e-mails, he says that the song reminds him of Jacques (Simon). He writes, "It surprised me, because it's a really sad song, and that's not what I would expect coming from you. . .  It really does remind me of you somehow. It's not the lyrics or even the overall mood of the song. It's something intangible" (page 103). Having quoted Blue, I think we must consider that Blue does not really know Simon at this point. He only sees what Simon has put forth in his e-mails. The reader knows Simon better than Blue does, because we get to see Simon inside and outside of his e-mails. Because the book is in first person, we are inside Simon's head. For my blog entry today, I want to examine this song and discuss how I think it relates to Simon, and maybe figure out why it's his favorite song. Music is very important to Simon, so for Simon's favorite song to not have meaning to him is kind of unbelievable. I will be looking at the lyrics and the mood of the song, because that is what we have to go off of.

First, let's look at the lyrics.

First the mic then a half cigarette

Singing Cathy's clown

That's the man that she's married to now

That's the girl that he takes around town

She appears composed, so she is, I suppose

Who can really tell?

She shows no emotion at all

Stares into space like a dead china doll

I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow

Now she's done and they're calling someone

Such a familiar name

I'm so glad that my memory's remote

'Cause I'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note

Here it is, the revenge to the tune,

"You're no good,

You're no good you're no good you're no good"

Can't you tell that it's well understood?

I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow

I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on

I'm tired

I'm tired

Looking out on the substitute scene

Still going strong

XO, mom

It's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong

Tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone

In the place where I make no mistakes

In the place where I have what it takes

I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow

I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow

I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow

There is a lot to unpack in these lyrics. The first and second stanzas introduce Cathy. Cathy is someone that a man "takes around town," who appears composed and seems like she is there, but no one really knows her.  The lyrics say, "Who can really tell?" I think Simon, for all intents and purposes, can be paralleled to Cathy. He puts on an act for those around him to hide who he truly is to people. Simon does show emotion, unlike Cathy, but it's not necessarily authentic emotion because he has to hide who he is. Maybe that is why Blue is surprised by Simon liking the song. Blue sees what Simon puts out there. Anyway, Simon hiding his true self can be supported by his Halloween costume at a party in which other students wear revealing costumes like Kim Kardashian and an anime character, and Simon dresses as a dementor from Harry Potter and wears a hood all evening. 

The third stanza says, "I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow." This quote is repeated again and again in the song, and it is important because I think it signifies that Cathy can never be known; for Simon, I think it's because he keeps changing, but for some reason can never let others see new and changing parts of himself. Simon writes to Blue, "Do you ever feel locked into yourself? . . . I guess what I mean is sometimes it seems like everyone knows who I am except me" (page 59). Simon feels stuck playing a charade for others. 

The third stanza continues, "Now she's done and they're calling someone \ such a familiar name \ I'm so glad my memory's remote." Remote means distant. When Simon feels sad or confused, he wants to close off from the world and drown his sorrows in music. He named his go-to playlist for this "The Great Depression" (page 165). Elliott Smith is fittingly part of "The Great Depression." Important to note is that Simon not only distances himself when he feels sad or confused, but that he feels distant overall, despite the "show" of positivity, sarcasm, and humor he displays for everyone. On page 121 he says, "Everything [but Blue's e-mails] sort of feels like I'm slogging through a dream." On page 101 he says, "I just feels like I'm on the outside somehow. Not all the time. Just sometimes. But yeah. I feel irrelevant. I hate that." 

The turn of the song appears in stanza 4. It begins, "Because I'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note." This is probably the most important lyric in the song to Simon (It's the lyric he chose for his e-mail address), and I believe it is the lyric that defines him most. "Hour to hour, note to note" imply extreme and careful deliberation. Simon is very careful about what he shows the world. He wants to keep his walls up to preserve the "clown" he puts on for show. On page 131, he says "I mean, how does a person look when his walls are coming down?" 

Stanza 4 goes on to say, "You're no good" and that line is repeated again and again. I think Simon is convinced he's no good. He is worried others won't accept him if they get a glimpse of the real him. I also think he feels guilt for decisions he makes, including things he has to do to appease Martin who is blackmailing him. "I hate myself. I hate myself," he says after inviting Martin to Waffle House with him and Abby (page 111). Ironically, Simon is good. He sees good in people, even Martin who is awful to him.  

Stanza 5 says, "I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on \ I'm tired." Stanza 6 continues, "I'm tired \ looking out on the substitute scene \ still going strong." I think this could relate to Simon's frustration pretending to be someone else. He discusses that frustration on page 54: "I don't think I'll tell my parents about [the beer he drank]. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get in trouble if I did. I don't know. I need to spend some time in my head with this new Simon." Fittingly, he says, "I need something familiar. Elliott Smith" (page 54). This song is absolutely meaningful to Simon. Simon is tired. He says, "I'm tired of coming out. All I ever do is come out. I try not to change, but I keep changing, in all these tiny ways. I get a girlfriend. I have a beer. And every freaking time, I have to reintroduce myself to the universe all over again" (page 56).

 Stanza 7 continues with a similar theme: "It's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong \ Tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone \ In the place where I make no mistakes \ In the place where I have what it takes." This stanza, I believe, is where Simon is really fleshed out. He checks his e-mails to Blue "like three times" before he sends them to make sure his grammar is perfect (page 87). He fears telling his friends he is gay even though he knows they won't abandon him. He doesn't even want to come out to his supportive parents, and probably wouldn't have if his sister hadn't discovered Martin's post on the Tumblr. I believe Simon so desperately wants to control how everyone sees him so he can feel perfect. 

Because he is hesitant to let himself change, he can never know himself, but he is going to love himself anyway. That is the essence of Waltz #2 as it relates to Simon. 

Finally, I want to discuss the mood of the song. As a refresher for you all that are not teaching 8th Grade ELA right now ;), mood is how a piece of writing makes the reader feel. It is different from tone in which is the feeling the author intended to put forth. A piece of music can absolutely have a mood as well. Blue is right when he calls the song sad. However, I think there is more to it than Blue sees. Elliott Smith raises his voice when he sings questions, which to me emits hope. Additionally, the melody has a resolution and does not end on dissonance (from what little of Music Appreciation I remember from freshmen year). I think Simon may like the song because it speaks to him, but also because it emits hope. There is hope for Simon, and a reason for him to be happy with himself. I think deep down he knows he's good.