Response to Winter Girls' topic -- eating disorders

I never put a whole lot of thought into this topic before, because I don't know much about it.

I'm ashamed to say this, given that everyone else has a valid reason for putting it down, but this book wasn't hard to read because I have an eating disorder; I don't. Nor do I know anyone personally who does. I do obsess about my weight and appearance, partially because I've been bullied, and partially due to personal preference, but it's different; I don't starve myself...though I did instantly know the numbers Lia was listing were calories before I even finished reading the sentence, because I used to be super strict about the calories I ate...and still keep track of it, though not quite as vigilantly...but anyone could've guessed that, given what the book is about. I feel stupid even bringing it up.

The reason it was hard for me to read was because it worsened my depression, and my nightmares, made them even more disturbing and frequent than they already are--and also because of certain similarities in family dynamics. After my parents divorced, I called my birth mom by her actual name (which, of course, is Jennifer) because my dad and stepmom (whom I eventually called 'Mom', not realizing she was an even bigger narcissist than my father) turned me against her...easy to do, with her emotional violence and physical abuse.

With Lia's depression, her guilt, her disturbing nightmares and the author's vivid description, the fact that her father actually cared enough to want to talk to her about it...it was hard to read without falling harder into the depression....so I guess there's no shame in that, actually. Especially since the book also invoked something I recognized only when someone mentioned in class the other day; the thing where, even if the book is meant to steer people away from it, simply the mention of the topic can prompt it. While reading the book I noticed myself eating less, and at one point thinking I should eat less, because I haven't been able to lose weight any other way, and when I had a months-long sickness that made me constantly nauseous, I went from 176 lb to 154 in those months and, being 5'9, looked, like, stick-figure thin.

After having to stop the book, I did look up several articles on this subject, and it made me realize just how much I don't know about this topic.

Looking back on what we discussed in class one day, it's scary because I think this topic is something people need to be knowledgeable about in order to find help for oneself or others...but at the same time, given how much crap literally everyone has to deal with in today's world--depression, stress, anxiety, trauma, bullying of any kind, the images depicted on social media, even the ones posted without harmful intention, not even considering the ones that purposely promote eating disorders...with all of that we have to deal with, if someone mentions eating disorders to someone who may not have previously considered it, simply the topic could trigger it.

That is terrifying to me, especially considering one other thing we discussed. I was kind of in a fog of exhaustion for most of that discussion, much like today, but I remember someone saying that it is hard if not impossible to recover from an eating disorder, because you feel like you're undoing all your work to get thin if you try to gain weight, so it's impossible to make yourself. I can vividly imagine this feeling. If I were to get back to my slender/narrow frame, even if it was by starving myself...I can all too clearly picture the impossibility of going back to eating more, that crippling fear that I'd gain way too much weight if I eat even a hair too much (I have that last part now, actually.)

So I'm not sure how to help people who have this issue...I was wanting to find resources, but for who? If I put it up online for anyone to see, there's the thing about if someone is triggered by it. I know that people in our class are dealing with this stuff, or know someone who is...but I'm nowhere near knowledgeable enough to offer solutions--and by the time I manage to educate myself, the class will be over. Which means, being an introvert with an extra dose of social anxiety, I'd be back to square one.